I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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