she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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