Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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