At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I stole a fireplace last night.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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