I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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