i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
