dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
