I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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