This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
