I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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