Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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