Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
