This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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