she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
