Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
