So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I looked at my own cervix.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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