I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
