I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
