I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I am mentally ready for anal.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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