there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
