i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
