Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
