my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
