Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
