theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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