Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
