the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
