So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
A bitchslap is in order.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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