You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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