I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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