Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
