the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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