I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
