i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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