I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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