I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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