just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We're too hungover to prance.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
