Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
