the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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