I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Randomize
