last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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