i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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