My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
