i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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