shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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