i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
