i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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