So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
