Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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