I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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