Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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