Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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