I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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