i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
