life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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