I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
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No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
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She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you