omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning