Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I spit up blood this morning
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Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
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Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.