that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
So much Jack, so little girl.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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