I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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