I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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