White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service